They would like to be appreciated and get more consideration for their work as a mom. What if it was possible to get more recognition?
The need for recognition
Being acknowledged is a need! Feeling appreciated improves your self-esteem and makes you feel useful and important! That is why marks of approval are so precious. But what happens in real life?
Repetitive tasks like: groceries, meals, dishes, washing, ironing, caring and diapers and the fact that there are no permanent proofs of your accomplishments affect your pride. Let’s compare with your husband building a shed: he will show it to visitors, admire it and remind himself how great it looks for years!
More seriously, working (outside the house) allows you to get recognition from your colleagues, clients and boss. And even if it is not the case, you receive a paycheck to reward your efforts. Yes, recognition is a kind of reward and a great source of motivation! The real challenge is feeling recognized while being on mothers leave or at-home mom.
Who can make you feel important? The first answer is you. Then, the smiles and affection of your children can fill up your tank. Finally, your husband has a great influence on your self-esteem as a mom.
When I give conferences, I notice that several mothers consider that their husbands do not recognize their work. In addition to getting very little recognition, they feel misunderstood and underrated. So sadness, discouragement and frustration show up. Remember that anger is an emotion that helps you escape sadness and show your vulnerability.
When you complain about the lack of support of your husband or when you tell him off, be aware that it could be proof that you have unfulfilled needs. Let’s see how we can change that.
How can you gain your spouse’s recognition?
If you consider that your spouse is not showing enough resect and recognition in regard to your work as a mom, here are a few suggestions. However, here is a little disclaimer first: remember that your husband is not always aware of your reality because he is not in your shoes! You want him to read minds or notice what you need but that exists only in dreams, not in reality.
To be able to get what you need, you must know it first! Here is a little test from Dr Gary Chapman. Identify among these five forms of expression, which make you feel most important:
- Your husband congratulates you/thanks you/compliments you.
- Your husband takes care of something/does something to help you.
- He brings you a gift for no specific reason (little attention).
- He spends time with you without distractions (night out/discussion).
- Touches you affectionately (not sexually).
Once you know what makes you feel loved, tell it to your husband so that he can adapt his way of showing gratitude! You can also observe how you show him that you love him. Often, we act like we would like others to act with us, but it is not always what makes them happy.
Knowing what makes you feel loved and knowing what your husband prefers to allow you to share what you truly need.
Another way to help your husband understand what you are going through is to leave him alone with your children for a few hours, a day or a weekend. Usually, it makes fathers much more inclined to empathize with women. Try it!
Being your own enemy
Try not to become your worst enemy! How many times have you refused recognition from the other? In these situations, you devalue your accomplishment and call them normal. Learn to receive good comments!
Too often, you cannot be proud. You consider that you could have done more or better. Your great expectations are sometimes an obstacle to personal satisfaction.