We show our love to our children by giving them rules, by reassuring them. We want them to become responsible citizens. It is by teaching them our rules and our way of life that we teach them self-discipline. Unfortunately, for many, discipline means that we should mention every mistake the child makes, repeat, raise our voice or restrict while there are many more ways of providing a stable environment in which they can grow harmoniously.
What is the difference between consequence and punishment?
In fact, the word “consequence” is not even synonymous with “punishment”. A consequence is the result of a choice or an action. In this sense, there are positive and negative consequences. If I put a lot of effort in preparing for an exam, the consequence will probably be the pride of better grades while if I botched my work the result will be a lot less satisfying.
Although punishment is sometimes necessary and efficient to discourage unwanted behaviour, it is best to use, whenever possible, logical or natural consequences that will make your child more responsible. In some cases, it is not even necessary to use discipline; a simple discussion or gentle reminders may be enough.
Avoid excessive punitive measures, constant criticism and extreme and humiliating punishment (several hours confinement, kneeling in the corner, floor washing, cold showers, etc.) Repeated threats should also be avoided (If you don’t listen, I’ll take away your favourite toy!)
The risks of abusive punitive measures and criticism
- Increased anger and hostility
- Need for revenge
- The feeling of disempowerment (It’s my bad parent’s fault)
- The child tries to trick the parent (not seen = not caught)
- Low self-esteem (I am bad, not nice)
- Repeated confrontations, power game
- Deterioration of the parent/child relationship
- Negative family atmosphere.
Tips and tricks to gain cooperation
- Pick your battles!
The more you criticize, the more they argue! Don’t mention every mistake they make and give way to faulty behaviours that are less important or that are likely to stop by themselves. Remember that you have a good twenty years to raise your children! You can keep some lessons for later... - Have a pleasant attitude with your children
Have regular moments of fun with them and make sure to give them their daily ration of love and attention. - Establish clear and consistent rules and routines
Write 5 or 6 rules on a sheet of paper and post them on the wall. Do the same with morning and evening routines. You can use pictures to help children visualize quickly what they have to do. If Jerome takes his bath every night after his TV show, he will soon stop arguing at bath time after a few days!
- Make sure that your instructions are well understood by your child.
Give instructions, not wishes! (“Put your toys in the box please!” rather than “It’s a right mess in here, it would be nice to clean up a bit”). - When you give an instruction, stay next to the child until they obey.
Your proximity will give them more initiative. In some cases, it may be useful to help them or to guide their behaviour. - Use the 1-2-3 method
1- I give clear instruction in a friendly tone of voice. If they don’t obey…
2- I ask them to come and see me (I go get them if need be), stop the game, make them slightly uncomfortable and repeat firmly the instruction while looking in their eyes. I make sure they understood. I can announce the consequence or give them clear options. If they still don’t obey…
3- Immediate consequence, without attention and, most importantly, without argumentation (logical consequence or time-out, according to the situation). - When you give an instruction and they don't obey (selective deafness), countdown 5-4-3-2-1-0 then act.
For example, take them by the hand and bring them to the task, turn off the TV, etc. They will soon learn that when you start the countdown, you are not kidding! - Give them a few options and let them deal with their decision
For example: “If you take your bath right away, we will have enough time for a story. Or, if you prefer, we can play another five minutes but after your bath, you go straight to sleep. What do you prefer?” (BE CAREFUL! If you read “just a tiny little story”, you teach them to manipulate…) « You eat what I made without complaining or you don’t eat until snack time. You choose. » - Use the when/then technique.
For example, rather than saying, “Clean your room because if you don’t you won’t go outside and play with your friends”, say, “WHEN you clean your room, THEN you can go outside. Hurry up and you will go faster!” By showing this kind of respect, your child won’t defend themselves as much and the chore will stay the same…
Other ways of collaborating with your child
- Make sure that your child sleeps enough (10 to 12 hours a day including naps for a child under 6 years old, 8 to 10 hours when they are older). A tired child is often agitated and choleric.
- Help them see the consequences of their actions “Look! Juliette is smiling! She is happy that you lent her your truck! You see? She wants to play with you! Are you happy when she wants to play with you?” or “See? Because you helped me to clear the table, I have a bit of extra time to play a little game with you!”
- Let the child live with the natural consequences of their actions and find WITH them (not for them) what they should do next time.
- Teach them to reflect on their behaviour and that of the others so that they understand the consequences of our actions on others and the relations between us. For instance, ask them what they think of the behaviour of people on TV and what they would have done in their place.
- Have an attitude and a tone of voice that are in relation to the importance of the situation. Without screaming, make sure to have a firm tone of voice that tells the child you mean business when they behave dangerously or violently.
- Stop running! Take some time to manage situations with a calm attitude. It will have more impact.
- Water the flowers, not the weeds! Learn to notice and value the successes and qualities of your children in a sincere and specific way. “Well done! I noticed you were very angry with your sister a few minutes ago and you were right but instead of getting mad and insulting her, you took a deep breath and expressed clearly and calmly that you did not feel like playing with her anymore. That was the right thing to do!” instead of “Congratulations champ!” or “You’ve been very nice”.
If you are already used to scream and threaten on a regular basis in order to show authority, don’t hesitate to seek help from a professional to turn things around and bring back a pleasant family atmosphere.
