Family life

Blended families

Blending differences

If Saturday morning at Sophie’s house is synonym with sleeping in, but at Mark’s house, it means doing chores, how can you blend both habits under one roof? You obviously want to avoid frictions, so it is best to know the other person’s living habits before moving in together. When dating, it is simple to see which of the other person’s living habits are similar or different from yours.

By anticipating the potential sources of conflict or adjustment, the couple can talk about them before moving in to avoid conflicts later on. “The new couple must establish ground rules to avoid fights”, recommends Lorraine Vallée. Respecting people’s own ways of doing things is crucial. Fortunately, when couples decide to live together, they are usually similar on many aspects. “However, if both partners have very different lifestyles that are hardly reconcilable, it could be best to buy a duplex and allow each family to have its own space and set of rules”, suggests Mrs. Vallée.

Clarifying things

Clarifying things from the start is important to avoid future arguments that would affect your relationship and the new family dynamic. Agree on rules and values to rely on when you need to be authoritative with the children. Both adults in the house will insist on having their rules and values respected. “If the child says “You’re not my father” to his mother’s new spouse, this adult can answer: “No, but your mother and I have established ground rules that you must respect”. Using the word “we” is a winning expression for both traditional and blended families”, says Michelle Parent.

The same applies when frictions are created by the fact that things are different with the “other” parent. “If possible, have all the adults involved agree on certain rules and values. It will make the child’s adaptation that much easier. If differences emerge, explain to your children that there’s a certain way with mom and another one with dad. Don’t undermine your ex-spouse’s way of doing things in front of your children. If the rules are clear and stable, your children will be able to adapt positively to each environment”, explains Michelle Parent.

Alternatives

If the children are defensive and one of the spouses seems to find the whole thing too overwhelming, it’s normal! “Like with any other life event, people have different defence mechanisms to react to change. Finding a comfortable pace for everybody is important”, suggests Lorraine Vallée.

If possible, a trial run at cohabitation will allow you to see if the project is possible. “You can rent a cottage for the summer and observe the family dynamic. You could also live in your respective houses during the week and together on the weekends. It would allow the children to get to know each other better”, advises Lorraine Vallée.

If you realize that your living habits are too different to mix, that your children are not ready or that you simply prefer to wait until they are older, there are other options. For example, you could decide to move to a house close by without actually moving in together, put the project on hold for a while, spend your vacations together, etc…

Think about the kids

In any family, blended or traditional, it is important for parents to spend time alone with each one of their children individually. “It will intensify the bond between the parent and the child”, explains Michelle Parent. Listening to your children is also a winning factor for cohabitation to go well.

To adapt to the new home, children must have a space for themselves. If it’s impossible for each child to have his own room, you can cheat by placing a curtain or a folding screen to create privacy. Tell your kids to decorate their room as they please and buy them a comforter they love.

By making your children a part of the decision process, by allowing them to participate in the project and by making them feel like they are at the center of this adventure, they will feel more confident and be positive. “ When you ask for your child’s advice, when you listen to him and when you are able to put yourself in his shoes, you are putting all the chances on your side”, reminds Lorraine Vallée.


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