For the past few years, I have accompanied future fathers in prenatal classes in Montreal. A nurse presents the general information and I take the future fathers aside for a little discussion amongst men. Future mothers and the nursing staff always wonder… What are they talking about? Hockey, cars, computers? What are future fathers thinking about? To answer this intriguing question, I have written this non-scientific article to summarize what I have gathered by talking with over a hundred of future fathers.
The future mother
The first thing men talk about is the expecting mother! Of course, all pregnant women are charming, touching, endearing and absolutely beautiful…! That being said, they sometimes have reactions that confuse the fathers-to-be: they cry at the sight of a Winnie-the-Pooh pyjama, their hormones are playing tricks on them and transform otherwise gentle women into raging lionesses, they start hating their bodies, etc. Here’s a sound advice for men: it’s always better to stay quiet when their spouse gets nauseated, has heartburn or back aches, gets sick, pees every half hour, speaks about babies 24/7…Let’s just say that this can shake up a future father!
Sexuality
Usually, the second topic to be discussed is sexuality. Can we still have sex? Will it hurt the baby? What are the best positions? Is it normal for her to have less desire? Is it normal for me to feel more desire? How long will it take for everything to go back to normal? Fathers-to-be often have a hard time discussing these things with their wife or girlfriend and find it comforting to talk with men and get information.
Lifestyle
Experiencing a major lifestyle transformation worries men a lot. Will I still be able to play hockey three times a week? Go on fishing trips with friends? Get drunk and stay up until three in the morning? Invite my friends over? The classic question always is: How will I be able to work if I don’t sleep because of the baby?
Many men are convinced that their entire social life - or life itself - will be completely over once the baby is born. It is important to put things into perspective by telling them stories about fathers who have managed to maintain a balance between their personal and family lives. Men love to hear about quick-tips to help manage the family. Don’t forget that they love practical advice.
Money
Expecting fathers also feel a lot of pressure to provide for their family. Therefore, if their professional or material situation does not please them, they will stress out about it and hardly ever talk about it with their spouse to avoid humiliation. This anxiety will put a distance between the women’s thoughts and emotions and their own as future fathers. Sharing these worries with other men can lift a huge weight off their shoulders.
The nest
Most men love talking about setting up the baby’s nursery because they feel in control over the situation. Men love concrete projects. This crucial step helps the future fathers understand what is happening since they can physically see the home changing. Even if the nursery’s colours are most often chosen by the future mothers and the shopping is done together, the nursery often remains the men’s responsibility!
The belly
Men react in many different ways to their spouse’s growing belly. If many men love their girlfriend’s new belly, sing to it, talk to it, rub it, massage it and play with it, others are intimidated by or indifferent to it. Some men may even feel frustration towards the belly and the new presence, especially if the pregnancy wasn’t planned. Ultrasounds and the baby’s movements inside the mother’s belly usually help men imagine their baby, and it helps them adapt to the new reality.
Childbirth
At the St-Henri CLSC, prospective parents are shown three childbirth videos. This is always a moment of great emotion. Women are often stressed out, scared, hide their eyes and start to cry when the baby is born. Men are just as touched by this intense moment but feel very worried and powerless: Will everything be alright? Will the baby be healthy? How will I react? Will I be worthy? Where should I stand? What is my role in all of this? I hope I won’t faint…
It is crucial to make future fathers understand that their role is simply to accompany their spouse and be by her side. They must accept that they are not the doctor, the nurse, nor the mid-wife. They are there for support only. It is important to see this role as an important and positive one. Future fathers must remember to be mentally present during childbirth because it is the moment when they truly become fathers. No one can take their place for that. It must be said that some men are disgusted by childbirth images. It’s a shock for most men and most of them tell me that they will be there for the birth but don’t want to see too much!
The baby
Most men can’t wait to see their baby, hold him in their arms and start bonding. Guys get excited talking about this. Of course, most future fathers have never taken care of a baby and are a little apprehensive about it. They just need to be reassured and given basic tips to understand the importance of establishing a direct bond with their baby from birth. It is important to remind men that communicating with a baby is done through the senses (voice, touch, smell, etc.) and not through rational behaviour. Fathers-to be will have to relearn primitive communication, this oh-so stimulating and exhausting communication with a new born. For some fathers, this is a considerable challenge!
The future
Very few men can project themselves into the future. When I ask them about the things they want to do with their baby, they always talk about activities that will happen during the first few months. Some imagine themselves playing sports with their son or discovering the world with their daughter, but they are a minority. Most future parents focus on the birth and the notorious “taking baby home” step that everyone describes as a dreadful challenge. Crossing the desert! Future parents who are often in contact with other parents are calmer because they have real examples of couples who have made it through and experience great joys because of it.
Conclusion
I t's very important to accompany future fathers during pregnancy in a way that is very different from future mothers. For men, it is an imagination exercise. They must make room in their head to welcome the baby that is coming soon. To allow men to create a real image of their unborn baby and allow them to build a bond with this imaginary baby, it’s important for future fathers to talk about their worries with other men going through the same things. It will keep them from being isolated and allow them to create a loving, involved and masculine father image. It is important to recognize all the positive sides of fatherhood since most men think pregnancy brings on more losses than gains. They must be reminded that fatherhood is incredible!
So what do prospective fathers talk about during prenatal classes? Not sports or computers, but emotions, worries and enthusiasm. And once they get started, they can talk about it for as long as future mothers…
Motherforlife.com would love to hear and read what fathers and future fathers think about this! Add a comment in the space reserved to that effect at the end of the article.
