The predator
The sexual predator of a child is not necessarily a stranger, on the contrary! He can be a member of the family (a parent, a stepparent, a grandparent, a brother or a sister) or someone outside of the family but known (a friend, a neighbour, someone who looks after the child, a teacher, a coach).
Those who sexually molest children make sure that children are very afraid to tell and it will take tremendous efforts to make them talk about it. So don’t rely on the fact that your child will spontaneously tell you about it if he is abused.
The victim
No matter which path the sexual abuse takes, the child always develops negative feelings and thoughts. The victim child lives in confusion and anxiety: he was betrayed, his landmarks are gone, and yet he feels responsible for what is happening to him and for the family drama that he unwillingly caused.
Even a two or three years old who does not know that this sexual activity is “wrong” will develop issues because of his incapacity to face this over-stimulation.
A child who is abused for a long-time generally develops poor self-esteem, the feeling of being useless and an abnormal conception of sexuality. The child can withdraw and become unable to trust adults.
The notion of consent
Any sexual activity without consent is a crime and represents a sexual aggression.
For children aged 11 and under consent does not exist.
From 12 years old and over, the notion of consent is applicable. However, a child that age does not consent if he:
- Refuses
- Is paralysed by fear
- Is afraid to react
- Has no other choice but to do what the molester says
- Is victim of physical violence, blackmail, intimidation, manipulation and threats.
Incitation and sexual contacts are not criminal if they involve two teenagers aged 12 years old and over and:
- Consent to sexual activities
- Have no more than two years between them;
- Are not in a situation of authority or dependency with each other (ex: babysitter, coach, etc.).
Between 14 and 17 years old, incitation and sexual contacts are criminal if:
- The other person is in a situation of authority (teacher, principal, police, etc.)
- The other person is in a position of trust
- One of the two persons is in a position of dependency
Hints to look for
Children change when they are molested. Try to find out more if your child shows:
- An unusual interest or avoidance for anything sexual;
- Sleep problems, nightmares;
- Depression or withdrawal;
- A seductive attitude;
- The conviction that his body is dirty or broken or the conviction that something is not right with his genitalia;
- Refusal to go to school, delinquency;
- Secrecy;
- A theme of sexual aggression in drawings, games, fantasies;
- Unusual aggressiveness;
- A suicidal behaviour, other major behavioural changes.
If a child says he was molested, parents should first insist on the fact that what happened is not his fault.
Parents should book a medical appointment and a psychiatric consultation as soon as possible to be properly guided in taking care of their abused child.
Prevention
Nobody wants their child to be the victim of a sexual aggressor but those events still happen every day. Here are a few measures to consider:
- Tell the child « if someone tries to touch your body or does something that makes you feel funny, say NO to that person”
- Teach your child that respecting an adult and authority does not mean to blindly obey.
- Choose a book that is appropriate for the age of your child and take the opportunity to discuss about sexual aggressions.
What to say to an abused child
- I love you.
- I am not judging you because you are not responsible for what happened.
- You don’t have to be ashamed or feel guilty. It is the aggressor who must feel responsible for the aggression.
- The aggression is an act of control and power and has nothing to do with seduction. It is not the way you dress or your behaviour that led to aggression.
- The aggressor plays on your silence. It is important to talk about what happened with someone you trust.
Intervention
It can be necessary to temporarily take the child away from his family until a healthy communication is brought back between all members of the family involved in the drama.
If you know a child who is victim of sexual violence, you must report it immediately to the youth protection service of your area. This report is confidential and can be made at any time of day or night.
Kids Help phone and the Canadian resource centre for victims of crime also have resources to help the victims and their parents.
Professional evaluation and early treatment of the sexually abused child and his family are the best way to avoid that a child develops serious problems as an adult.
