The "tiger parent" is far from the "parent hen". Mother and father hens are those who dress their child too warmly for fear they are cold or those who hesitate to remove the training wheels on their child's bike despite them being able to ride the bike. The tiger parent, also known as the controlling parent, is a whole other category.
"When we talk about a controlling parent, we’re referring to a demanding parent who is rigid, unfriendly and stingy of emotional demonstrations", says doctor Mélanie Laberge, psychologist. Very often, this kind of parent categorically opposes what they perceive to be good or bad. Their controlling behaviour can also be because of their own anxieties. Those who live with fear on a daily basis may also overprotect their child. And sometimes, overprotection can manifest itself in a controlling way.
A parenting style and not a pathology
Dr. Laberge explains that being a controlling parent is not a pathology per se: "It's more of an authoritarian parenting style."
There are four styles of parents according to the psychologist Nadia Gagnier, quoted on the website of the Foundation of the Montérégie Youth Center. What are they?
4 parenting styles
- The democratic - Here, we are confronted by a parent who is both warm and affectionate, but who offers a clear and coherent supervision to their children.
- The authoritarian - A parent who supervises their child enormously. They have very high expectations and often fail to be warm and affectionate.
- The permissive - Very warm and affectionate, does not dare to frame and set limits to their children, who are oftentimes brats.
- Disengaged - Offers neither affection nor guidance.
The best parenting style is the one that balances two factors: affection and supervision.
Is the controlling parent aware of their condition?
"Some controlling parents have received a strict and controlled education, says Laberge. They want to reproduce the same scenario with their children because they evaluate that this model has had a positive effect on them. They are therefore quite aware of the educational method used". For them, this is the best option and they act in the best interest of their child. The idea of causing harm is not at all in their mind.
As for the others, those who are authoritarian by fear, we can not really speak of a conscious choice since they act that way for the purpose of (over)protection. But again, they believe their actions are what is best for their children; they have their best interests at heart.
Dramatic consequences for children
The influence of a controlling parent is not without consequences for the child. This parenting style has a direct impact on the child’s development and can leave lasting effects on their psychological and social development. Here are the most common ones.
Impacts on children
- Child can be more reserved, not spontaneous and anxious
- They may have a poor reaction to frustration
- They are more likely to engage in so-called anti-social activities such as substance abuse, alcoholism, delinquency, and vandalism.
The specialist states that the child of a controlling parent can still become a calm and fulfilling adult, "but that all depends on the level of control exercised and various environmental, personal, and family factors."
Controlling parent, lying child
In the presence of a controlling parent, the child who feels a conflict between their desires, their needs, and what is asked of them could begin to lie.
"However, Dr. Laberge says, it's not automatic. A parent can be authoritarian and have strict rules of education, but also be warm and be a confidant for their child. In this case, the child feels free to express themselves and therefore, is less likely to lie. "
Once again, we understand that nothing is systematic, and that everything depends on the level of control exercised and the personality of the child.
Although having a controlling parent is not necessarily and dramatically damaging to the child, it is important to remain vigilant. If the level of control exerted begins to affect the parent, the child or their dynamics, it is better to consult a specialist (psychologist or psychoeducator). It is about the well-being and the fulfillment of everyone.
