Baby

The extensive guide to little crises

Any occasion is a good excuse to throw a good crisis: changing the diaper, dressing, undressing… Sometimes it is best to laugh about it, just like some mothers did on our forum.

The ultrasonic

Crisis accompanied by high pitch sounds, probably detectable by ultrasound-sensitive animals.

The soft

Crisis in which the body must be as soft and heavy as possible, aiming to be as difficult to hold as possible. May be accompanied by cries for a more dramatic effect.

The public

Crisis happening in public places around as many witnesses as possible. The highlight of this crisis is to calm down immediately when you find yourself alone with your parent.

The dry

Fake crisis to make people feel sorry for you, sulking and mumbling included but without tears.

The twist-and-shout

A crisis that usually occurs on the changing table or any other place where diapers or clothes are changed and that consists in twisting and shouting to turn something simple into something very, very, very complicated. Your success is directly proportional to the sweat of your mom.

The I-don’t-want-to-be-in-your-arms-or-on-the-floor

Crisis to show displeasure when on the ground AND when in mother’s arms.

The Presto

A crisis with a dramatic rise. It starts in a sulk, followed by muscle tension and internal frustration sounds. If the child doesn’t obtain what they want, they increase the intensity of the tension and sounds until they explode with a capital E. Followed by a crisis of their choice: dramatic, soft, ultrasonic, the possibilities are endless!

The Velcro

Crisis in which you cling in every way (hands, feet, teeth) to a place or person you don’t want to leave. In the professional version, they refused to go to that famous place in the beginning but now they don't want to leave.

The bacon

Preferably done in front of a lot of people, the child lies down on the floor, screaming and wiggling all body parts. It is usually followed by “the soft” if you try to pick the child up.

The I-throw-everything-I-find-especially-if-it’s-hard

A crisis where the child is so angry that they throw everything they can find that is hard (not teddy bears), it usually results from another crisis that was poorly managed.

The that-thing-is-mine

Happens when two children (or more) between 18 and 26 months old are in the same room. It consists in finding any toy interesting if it is in someone else’s hands and to want to take it away from them by pulling it, screaming, even by pushing or hitting the child holding that toy. It is very important to endlessly scream “ITS-MINE!!!!!” until the terrible two has gone and that we learn to share and exchange.

The I’ll dooooo it myyyyyyyyseeeeeeelf!!!!

Crisis that usually happens when mommy decides that it is not going fast enough and does something instead of the toddler that has been desperately trying to do it for a while. Going up or down the stairs, climbing up a high chair or getting in the car for example. It consists of screaming as if someone ripped your arm off: “i caaaaaaaaaan dooooooooooo iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit”. This crisis usually ends with a long episode of sulking that implies how you are an ungrateful mother who is always in a rush and would not let a poor child learn from their own experiences.

The I-am-hungry-but…

This crisis is achieved by not eating while throwing everything out of the plate and, as soon as you take the child out of their seat, by screaming out of hunger, and harassing mom until she feeds you.

The why?

This crisis happens when a toddler doesn’t know why he or she cries. One minute happy, the other: sobbing uncontrollably. What the hell was that? No one knows... just blame it on the toddler being tired.

The drama

When our preschool child decides that they feel sorry for themselves and they howl to the moon while crying huge tears that come from the heart. They are screaming their pain in an inconsistent sentence that no one really understands. Usually this crisis ends as abruptly as it began...

The BIG pain

Average screams with a repetition of “mommy it hurts!”, “it hurts!” “mommy!!” “it hurts mommy!” followed by big tears stopping when the previously mentioned mommy kissed the hurting place.

The famous « It’s looooonnnnngggg »

Usually happens with an older child who can easily express themselves. When they are in the car/stroller/cart/wheelbarrow, etc. and find it awfully boring and want to get out of their misery, they start saying “it's been so long!”, “are we there yet?”, “I've had enough!”, “when do we get there?”. Can also happen with a young child but only as high pitched screams that make all adults cringe.

The no can do

Crisis during which the child repeats “I caaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan’t” and will not stop even if we kindly offer our help. Can also end with higher pitch screams when we do offer help. Usually, this crisis happens during the terrible twos.

Brotherhood

Crisis that consists of uniting their voice to their brother’s in order to destroy the opponent (usually, mom). It is used daily, every time the other sibling is in crisis. Highly efficient, especially when the mom already had enough!

The milk crisis

Crisis that happens when a child wants to be breastfed but their evil mom won’t give them milk (generally because she is busy). The crisis stops when the baby had their milk (it is harder to prevent if the mother wears a plunging neckline). This crisis solely concerns the mother. It is most difficult at night.

The I-woke-up-in-a-bad-mood-and-that’s-that!

Happens to the child who is merely old enough to express their unhappiness with signs. The unhappiness in question can be adapted to all situations and includes the part of “the drama” where the child tries their best to express themselves inconsistently when explaining the reason for their happiness. That way, the crisis can go on and on. Wanting to go downstairs, being hungry, not being hungry, not wanting a brother around… The goal is to get attention and to make people feel sorry for them while trying to be as annoying as possible by whining continuously. The crisis generally disappears with the threat of going back to bed to get some rest. It gives them time to be distracted from the activity they were appreciating so much: making mommy angry!

The screeeeeeech!!!!

Note that this crisis is reserved for children with older brothers and sisters. It applies when a toy or a bottle has been stolen. It can also apply when a place – chair, couch, floor, no matter where, as long as it was the place where the toddler wanted to be. Obviously, that place is the best! The sounds emitted get the nearest parent’s attention and provokes indignation. Note that this technique will end up being used selfishly and strategically when an older child will already be using a toy. They will simply use the same strategy as they would during an actual theft as long as no one is watching. This strategy doesn’t last long because once the toddler was caught faking it has no more impact.

The roll

For no reason, no trigger, the child rolls over all around the house smacking their head on the floor! It starts in the living room, finishes in the kitchen and then the child gets up and everything is fine!

The Church

Or the sit-get-up-kneel-get-in your arms that consists of changing positions without ever being satisfied. As soon as we get picked up, we want to go on the floor, and then, kneeling on the floor, we want to be picked up.

The hey-don’t-leave-me-here!!!

Consists in convincing the adult with medieval methods including head-butts, body extremities wiggling, guttural sounds, the look that kills and crocodile tears. Generally used for the babysitter or to get away from daycare. Surprisingly, it never happens at home, only when we reached our destination.

The I-don’t-like-that-all-of-a-sudden

Roughly speaking, the crisis becomes effective like an expiry date on a yogurt. One day we like carrots enough to eat a full plate of them and the next day we are outraged to have to eat ONE carrot cut into four little pieces. This crisis drives parents nuts!!!

The I’m-not-sleeping-tonight-I-said

This one suspiciously looks like a union request. Includes intense and insane stubbornness. Makes you miss the hockey game or soap opera. Generates frustrations and enhances mental fatigue.

Wild ride

I think I’m really funny and I’m running away. You look silly trying to save me from some danger you are aware of! Usually in a parking lot or a crowded mall. You catch me and I’m still laughing, especially because of your angry eyes and your clown cheeks that don’t match.

The you’re-stupid!

Happens when the child started school and learns new words. It is triggered when the mom puts the child in their room because they have been rude or didn’t follow the instructions. The child ends up screaming “you’re stupid!!!!” behind their closed door.

The it’s-not-me-it’s-him

Generally happens when the child is caught doing something they were not supposed to do, because they are not allowed or because it is not very clever. The child loses control and says “it’s not me it’s him!”. This one is followed by the “you’re-stupid!”

This week

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