My love life is a mess

Some people wonder what they must have done in a previous life to be doomed to one sentimental failure after the other. Is it your case?

A lack of self-confidence

How do you expect others to love you if you don’t love yourself ? By repeating yourself “I’m ugle, fat and stupid”, others will end up avoiding you. If you believe that you don’t deserve to be happy or that men don’t pay attention to you, you’re taking on the victim role and indeed, nothing good happens to you.

The search for the perfect man

He doesn’t exist ! Of course, you can hope for the best, but by constantly looking for the perfect man, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. Do yu idealize your parents’ or best friend’s « perfect » relationships? Reality is very different, but the problem is that you don’t really know what it looks like.  

Always the same type of men !

Married, immature, controlling, jealous… Your lovers fall into categories of difficult men and you choose them as such. Yes, choosing. Because deep down, you truly believe that you don’t deserve better and that love stories always end badly. Failure is what you know best.

Here are 4 important points to consider before deciding to jump into a relationship :

1. Fall in love with someone who loves you back.

Make sure that the object of your desire is within your reach. Someone who is already committed, who’s in love with someone else or who is indifferent to you will not turn into this amazing lover even if you pray for it every night. Open yourself to those who can love you.

2. Look for someone with similar interests.

Saying that opposites attracts is ludicrous when it comes to emotional or intellectual compatibility. Not having enough similar interests considerably reduces the chances of a relationship making it through the long term.  

To increase your chances, your core differences (political, cultural) must be minimal. Because even if you first believe that differences enhance our lives and attract us, too great differences will inevitably lead to repeated conflicts in the long term.

3. Get to know the other instead of idealizing him/her.

 It takes a long time to get to really know someone. If a bit of idealization is required at first for feelings to arise, try on the other hand not to kid yourself about your partner’s true nature: it’s what he IS and not what you WISH HE WOULD BE that will make a love story work in the long run.

4. Be clear and set the rules of the game.

Knowing what you want before you even get into a relationship with someone will spare you a lot of deceptions : do you just want a little fun or are you looking for a commitment? Before you start, make sure you understand what’s at stake and look at what the other has to offer you to determine if it meets your expectations.

Lying (to yourself or the other) about what you want and who you are the beginning of a relationship will never get you far. Being clear and honest from the get go will spare you major heartaches because you’ll understand that the other person simply didn’t live up to your expectations. And in the same way, the other won’t expect from you what you can’t offer him/her.

Martine Jouffroy Valton

Martine studied clinical psychotherapy in 1995, earning a diploma from the Gestalt Intervention Centre of Montreal, followed by five years of practicing therapy in the city. She has accompanied people on the road to death, and has helped families affected by genetic illnesses or AIDS. Today, she works as a coach for a communications and marketing company, helping to recruit international experts for the European Commission in Brussels. She also has a private practice and greatly enjoys one-on-one time with her patients. For more info, email her at martine@taktic.eu or give her a call at +32-485-614-234.

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