"Love can’t be divided, it can only be multiplied ". We’ve all heard that saying many times. But deep down, we all carry this fear of having a favourite. And sometimes, there is in fact a child with whom we “click” more. Or one with whom we inevitably have more frictions (often because they are so much like us!). Feeling guilty about not loving your children the same way is a waste of energy.
Loving everyone the same?
It’s impossible to love our children exactly for the same reasons or to love them the same way. Which basically means that we have a “favorite”, but we’re quick to ban that word from our vocabulary. What we need to understand (and accept) is that we love all our children, no matter what. However, depending on their age, gender, personality, interests and the energy they require from us, we often develop more affinity with one of them. Over time, as we all change, so does this complicity. We’re not always closer to the same child during a whole lifetime.
As a parent, this situation hurts us. We don’t want to have a favorite! The term is loaded with negativity. However, it is our actions and behaviors that will determine if the situation is hurtful or not. Of course, if we always put one of our children first (when buying clothes as much as serving dinner), the others might feel left out ... especially if you do not explain the reasons for your choices. If you buy clothes for your oldest because they'll eventually pass it on to their younger siblings, allowing you to save money, they’ll be able to understand if you explain it to them.
That being said, the younger child might find it unfair to always end up with hand-me-downs. Try to find a common ground with them and agree on some new clothes that they could choose as well? As far as something as innocuous as to who will get their plate first, you might be doing it without even thinking it could be a source of conflict among siblings, let alone be interpreted as a sign that you love one child more than another. Who would have thought that the service order at the table could cause a conflict? In a case like this, where love is not involved, explain to the child that they have no reason to doubt your love, and make an effort to vary the order of service. Children sometimes see signs where there are none!
The important thing is not to slip into unjustified... injustice! One of your children must not hold all your attention, and especially not be at the center of all your actions. EVER. On one side, the “favorite” one, faced with this overflow of love, could feel indebted to you and ill at ease with their siblings. And on the other side, the others could lose in self-confidence and develop bad feelings towards you. And then, the entire family relationships would be tense.
Every child has a history
Each of our children carries in them a lot of memories that are not even related to them as a human being. Our relationship with them may be influenced by:
The time of their birth. When they were born, were we in a state of euphoria? A difficult period in our marriage? How did your maternity leave go? Did you quit your job? Abandon a dream?
Our own childhood. Depending on how our own childhood was spent, we won’t act the same way with our children. So if we were the youngest of the family, we might have more affinity with the youngest of our children.
The mirror effect. When one of our kids is a lot like us - both physically and psychologically - it's enough to influence our relationship. However, as much as this relationship can be symbiotic, it can also be confrontational if we see our bad sides in our child.
Celebrating each child’s unique character
Ideas to allow each child to feel unique and special to us.
- Secretly, and for your eyes only, make a list of each of your children’s 5 main qualities. This way, you’ll see who they really are, individually. You could also do a list of 5 things in which they are good. This will give you a global vision of each child separately.
- Do a special one-on-one activity with each child as often as you can. Having a hot chocolate in a cafe with the oldest one, going to the movies with your daughter and going to the park with the little one are all great options that allow each child to share a special moment with you. And at the same time, you become more aware that each child is bringing you something different.
- Don’t get involved in everything going on between siblings. As parents, we tend to always get in the middle of our kids’ little fights to avoid the situation from escalating. However, if we punish them or solve the problem for them, they might interpret our decisions and think that we are always punishing the same child. Try to let your kids find their own solutions among themselves.
What if Grandma has a favorite?
Before the situation escalates, we must have a conversation with her to make her understand that her relationship with the other children could suffer. Of course, Grandma may have more affinity with some of her grandchildren, or simply see some of them more often than others. As adults, we have to stop counting and measuring everything because we sometimes exaggerate the situation. Even if Grandma sees some of her grandkids more often, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love the others. Yet if you feel a preference and think that it is affecting your children, talk about it with the grandparents. Grandpa is often the best person to help you get the message through to Grandma!
