Your first union didn’t last. Once every wound is healed, your heart is ready for new love. Everything is going fine and you start thinking about living together and mixing both families under one roof. How can you put all the chances on your side to make this transition successful?
There are no magic tricks or special guidelines that can guarantee success, but planning this move will save you many headaches. When a new couple decides to live under the same roof with their respective children, it shakes things up for everyone. “When both adults have harmonious and respectful relationships with their ex-spouses, it makes things a lot easier. It allows for less arguing and stress around the blended family. This way, we avoid putting oil to the fire by having an ex-partner speak poorly of the new spouse”, suggests Lorraine Vallée, a psychologist.
A stressful step for children
For children who still hope their parents will “get back together”, this move shatters all of their reconciliation dreams. These children must be reassured. “Parents must remind their children that the relationship between them is forever and that they will never “divorce” them. They must remind their children that the separation is not because of them and that it is a grown-up decision. It’s important to tell your children that it’s alright to love mommy or daddy’s new spouse. This takes nothing away from the love they have for their mother or father”, explains Michelle Parent, psychologist. This loyalty conflict may be very hard on the child who is stopping him/herself from investing into the new relationship with the new spouse by fear of hurting their other parent.
The importance for parents to act like… adults!
“Parents must make the difference between the marital couple and the parental couple. They must mourn the marital couple that doesn’t exist anymore and understand that they will always remain a parental couple. The pain associated with the explosion of the marital couple deeply influences the parental couple. The more often parents talk about their past life as a marital couple, the more the children will suffer. On the flip side, if both partners are over their old marital life, they will be able to recognize the good mother or father they each are to their children, allowing the kids to feel safe and loved. The distinction is important: “he may not be a good spouse, that doesn’t mean that he is not a good father”. If this distinction is clear and parents respect each other, the children will blossom”, says Michelle Parent.
When children feel good, are not going through loyalty conflicts and feel just as loved as before, they have better chances of adapting well to the new cohabitation.
It ain’t over ’til it’s over
Even if everything seems set for the move to be successful, this new step remains a challenge. “Children don’t manage your life, but try to be sensitive to what they are going through. Try putting yourself in their shoes: imagine if you were asked to move in with someone you barely know or don’t particularly like, and maybe even move to a new town, change schools and loose all your friends… Your children will obviously not jump for joy when they hear the news”, explains Lorraine Vallée. Parents need to act as adults. Every adult involved in the situation must be mature to allow the transition to go smoothly and harmoniously. “It is sometimes difficult for an ex-spouse to see the other one moving in with a new lover. If the old relationship isn’t completely over, it’s a hard blow to take”, reminds Lorraine Vallée.
Make sure that you’re not in a rush when you tell your child that you are all moving next month and that the house is already sold. “Use some tact to help the idea simmer in your child’s head. Remember that your child has not chosen this situation but he still has to deal with its consequences”, says Mrs. Vallée.
Time heals everything
Like for many things in life, time can be very helpful. “You would probably love for everything to go quickly, but it is important to let the new blended family “come to life”. Usually, people go from being a couple to wanting a child, getting pregnant and then waiting a few months for a baby. So in this case, you have to “conceive” a new family and give it some time to develop. By preparing your children for the future cohabitation, by making them see the positive sides, by listening to their fears and worries and by finding compromises, you will understand their resistance and will be able to make some adjustments (moving in the same town to keep them in the same school, for example). Make the project interesting for them. Don’t impose anything to your children or try to make it work at all costs. Doing so will start you off on the wrong foot”, says Lorraine Vallée.
Blending differences
If Saturday morning at Sophie’s house is synonym with sleeping in, but at Mark’s house, it means doing chores, how can you blend both habits under one roof? You obviously want to avoid frictions, so it is best to know the other person’s living habits before moving in together. When dating, it is simple to see which of the other person’s living habits are similar or different from yours.
By anticipating the potential sources of conflict or adjustment, the couple can talk about them before moving in to avoid conflicts later on. “The new couple must establish ground rules to avoid fights”, recommends Lorraine Vallée. Respecting people’s own ways of doing things is crucial. Fortunately, when couples decide to live together, they are usually similar on many aspects. “However, if both partners have very different lifestyles that are hardly reconcilable, it could be best to buy a duplex and allow each family to have its own space and set of rules”, suggests Mrs. Vallée.
Clarifying things
Clarifying things from the start is important to avoid future arguments that would affect your relationship and the new family dynamic. Agree on rules and values to rely on when you need to be authoritative with the children. Both adults in the house will insist on having their rules and values respected. “If the child says “You’re not my father” to his mother’s new spouse, this adult can answer: “No, but your mother and I have established ground rules that you must respect”. Using the word “we” is a winning expression for both traditional and blended families”, says Michelle Parent.
The same applies when frictions are created by the fact that things are different with the “other” parent. “If possible, have all the adults involved agree on certain rules and values. It will make the child’s adaptation that much easier. If differences emerge, explain to your children that there’s a certain way with mom and another one with dad. Don’t undermine your ex-spouse’s way of doing things in front of your children. If the rules are clear and stable, your children will be able to adapt positively to each environment”, explains Michelle Parent.
Alternatives
If the children are defensive and one of the spouses seems to find the whole thing too overwhelming, it’s normal! “Like with any other life event, people have different defence mechanisms to react to change. Finding a comfortable pace for everybody is important”, suggests Lorraine Vallée.
If possible, a trial run at cohabitation will allow you to see if the project is possible. “You can rent a cottage for the summer and observe the family dynamic. You could also live in your respective houses during the week and together on the weekends. It would allow the children to get to know each other better”, advises Lorraine Vallée.
If you realize that your living habits are too different to mix, that your children are not ready or that you simply prefer to wait until they are older, there are other options. For example, you could decide to move to a house close by without actually moving in together, put the project on hold for a while, spend your vacations together, etc…
Think about the kids
In any family, blended or traditional, it is important for parents to spend time alone with each one of their children individually. “It will intensify the bond between the parent and the child”, explains Michelle Parent. Listening to your children is also a winning factor for cohabitation to go well.
To adapt to the new home, children must have a space for themselves. If it’s impossible for each child to have his own room, you can cheat by placing a curtain or a folding screen to create privacy. Tell your kids to decorate their room as they please and buy them a comforter they love.
By making your children a part of the decision process, by allowing them to participate in the project and by making them feel like they are at the center of this adventure, they will feel more confident and be positive. “ When you ask for your child’s advice, when you listen to him and when you are able to put yourself in his shoes, you are putting all the chances on your side”, reminds Lorraine Vallée.
Communication and anticipation
Dialogue is key. You must be able to talk about your fears, worries and doubts. For example, a woman can truly love the relationship with her new lover because it makes her feel like a woman and not just a mother, but she might not want to live with him. To her, cohabitation is synonym with “mothering” and reminds her of her past relationship. She worries that the old pattern will resurface. This woman needs to find the source of her fears and once she confronts them, maybe then, she might then be able to cohabitate again.
Reading on the topic and consulting a therapist, even before cohabitating, will help you better prepare for what’s to come. By allowing yourself to verbalize your fears and worries - and especially by being heard – you will see things clearer.
Inspiring books
- Smart Stepfamily: The Seven Steps to a Healthy Family by Ron L. Deal $11.67.
- Stepfamily Success: Practical Solutions for Common Challenges by Natalie Nichols Gillespie, $7.50
- How To Win As A Stepfamily by Visher, $15.72
Special thanks to psychologists Michelle Parent and Lorraine Vallée.
