It is obvious. You can almost hear yourself when you hear other parents complain that time goes by so fast and there is none left to play with the kids. We say no too often, even if we would love to say yes.
This time, we can quantify reality. A 2011 survey showed that 98% of Canadian moms would like to have more time to participate in family activities and 64% of them admit they have to refuse their children’s requests once to four times a week*
It is Time’s fault! Or the lack of it… That is what 54% of the women surveyed said when asked why they would refuse, while 20% blame a lack of energy, 11% talk about financial issues and 5% say no because they don’t like the mess and cleaning that follows activities.
“Or children would like to cook with us but we say no because we don’t want to clean afterwards…” says Suzanne Vallières, psychologist, who also offers parental coaching and who was asked to analyze and comment the survey’s results.
Side effects of saying no too many times
The accumulation of refusals often accompanied by false promises – later, tomorrow – is a source of disappointment. When constantly waiting, the child feels frustration that eventually turns into anger. “The problem is that unlike an adult, a child doesn’t express his anger, so he becomes irritable”, says Mrs Vallières.
Lack of discipline…
As we run after the time we lack to play with our children, we neglect discipline. It becomes difficult to impose rules and expect our children to respect them when we are often away or, to teach table manners if children eat in front of the television because mom and dad cannot have dinner with them.
Mothers who have to say no often feel guilty (63%) and may be tempted to be more permissive when their children are naughty… and they sometimes allow them to break the rules to “buy peace”.
Consequently, some children think they can adopt an attitude of equals with their parents and refuse parental authority, says Mrs. Vallières.
… and weaker family bonds
Of course, spending less time with your children doesn’t teach them much about human relations either since it damages the bond between them and their parents. Children are quiet and independent when you give them the latest portable console but this little gift, like computer games, will not fill the emotional void caused by their parents’ absence, says the psychologist.
Suggestions and tips to say yes
The recommendation that sits on top of Suzanne Vallières psycho-tips list is integrating activities with children – fun or not – on a daily basis. We can’t really say no when those moments are planned and it prevents constant postponement.
So why not add a story to the bedtime routine at least once or twice a week? Or reserve an hour next Saturday to bake cookies and treats with your child. Because the time we spend with our child can also be spent on housework, it is well known that children like to help, says Mrs. Vallières.
“We must reintroduce our children in our lives. Instead of saying "no, I’m busy, go watch television", we must say, for example, "come with me, I will cut vegetables while you prepare the salad".”, she says.
She suggests buying ready-to-play boxes, filled with craft supplies for example. Your child wants to build paper planes? Take the box and build it with them. You can also fill a box with costumes if your child is a bit of a comedian!
Keep easy recipes on hand, it will be easier to find them if your little Chef wants to cook with you.
Finally, easy access to essential cleaning products is important if you don't want to fear the subsequent clean-up. And make it a rule: we cook or play together, and then we clean up together!
The benefits of saying “yes”
A child who knows that one of their parents will play with them at a specific moment during the day, like after their nap, will be more cooperative when we will ask them to brush their teeth, finish their glass of milk or stop fidgeting when it is time to nap.
Having fun and communicating often with their parents is an important element of the construction of your child’s memories, says the psychologist. Their personality lies on solid grounds thanks to those happy moments that will remain in their memory, says Mrs. Vallières.
When you say yes to your son or daughter who would like to draw something with you, you stimulate their creativity and you help them reach fulfilment, which is very important for their self-esteem and self-confidence.
The objective: to say yes!
Despite the fact that 98 % – an alarming number – of surveyed women deplore the lack of time with their children, a lot of families feel unable to find solutions. Participate in the "It all starts with Yes" challenge, which involves saying yes to your children more often to make you both happier. Hopefully, this little challenge will be the start to a new and great habit!
* The survey was conducted between August 30 and September 5, 2011, by Proctor and Gamble, with 419 mothers aged between 18 and 50 years old with children between 4 and 10 years old.
